Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Comparing Green Eyed Monsters

Once upon a time, I was an extremely vocal, jealous girlfriend/loved one that lead to serious problems with my relationships at that time. Since then, I like to think I've grown - not so much as being the less jealous type, but more of knowing how to rein in my little green eyed monster. Right now, I tend to coat my possessive tendencies as jokes, and, as much as possible, I try not to let it get more serious than that. My husband senses though the storm beneath the calm waters (Or maybe, I'm just deluding myself into thinking I've got it under control - lol) and knows when to tiptoe around particular issues especially involving one particular ex-girlfriend.

Alex, on the other hand, is extremely un-possessive. I could go around flirting with men on a regular basis and I know it wouldn't bother him - not that I do, mind you - just that I know if I did, it wouldn't be a big issue. Which brings me to a sticky point in my long winded blog - if someone is not possessive nor jealous of you, does that mean that person doesn't think there's a risk of losing you? Which doesn't sound half as bad if it means you are doing a good job of showing you love him/her, but sounds absolutely horrid if it means that he just doesn't think you're good enough to get somebody else's attention.

In my case, on a purely cerebral level, I know that Alex is just being Alex, and with his confidence (partly because of the way he grew up, partly because its in his genes, and simply partly because he trusts me completely), he is not afraid of losing me. However, on an emotional level, I can't help but sometimes feel that a small, infinitesimal part of him believes I'm not attractive enough (and flirtatious enough) to the opposite sex (well, these days, it doesn't matter whether its opposite, does it?) that there's a risk I might fall for someone other than him (or that someone may attempt to make me fall for someone other than him).

I know that part of my jealousy stems from my insecurities (I have a lot of them as people may have noticed) and from my belief that Alex is a good looking, nice guy, who's smart, kind and practically spoils his loved ones that I almost always feel especially lucky that of all the women he could have gotten he chose me (the 'almost' there are for the times when he would disallow me from eating ice cream on the divan - ha!). As such, I think a lot of women (and some men) would be willing and open to flirt with him, wife notwithstanding. So, if he's never, ever jealous of me (Is this 'of', or 'for'? I'm not sure anymore.), does it, in some way, mean the opposite?

Or am I just being paranoid?

Sigh. Maybe there are some things where epiphanies will come maybe, oh, ten years down the line. Till then, maybe I can train my green eyed monster to do some other tricks.

No comments: